The President of Chaos and Pain LLC jumped up to drop a recipe on you guys to help you get lean in the New Year. The following is Wayne’s most recent keto food go-to in his efforts to get lean to kick off this decade right.
As many individuals with their diet and their physiques, just as I have after an all but disastrous 2019 in the dietary department, the simple answer to “how should I recomp?” seemed to be keto. The idea of ketogenesis is beyond simple and is somewhat hard to completely mismanage or quash. The idea dawned on me one day to just keep it simple and stop with all of the useless gibberish that goes on in the fitness community these days; to use the KISS method rather than some pretentious STEMicist fabrication of a 150lb “expert” who’s popular on social media.
Thus, I made the decision to follow an unambiguously simple diet. It literally cannot get any more undemanding or rudimentary (even at its hardest) than the keto diet. The diet was simple, the plan far simpler, six days a week keto with under 30 grams of carbohydrates (the stuff that’s awesome) and then one day of balls to the walls full mouth ecstasy (aka carbohydrate day / aka beer day). If anybody is ignorant of the fact then here it is, beer and beer accessories are my absolute weakness in life. I love everything about beer including the carbs and magic all wrapped inside. Anyway, back to task, the diet is simple, and any blithering moron can do it.
To support this operation in full I have been using a simple app on the good ole iphone called My Weight. Yes, as you might surmise from the obtuse nomenclature the application tracks an individual’s weight with pretty little graphs and tells you how you are getting less fat or more fat each and every day. Mine had the good taste to notify me that I am “Obese Class I”, I was not aware of such nonsensical classifications of fatness but it’s good to know that they exist.
Now back to the curry at hand (see what I did there?).
Now as we go into this otherworldly adventure of cooking take note that I have zero percent experience at any type of professional cooking. These are skills that are learned through the mean streets of the kitchen. Also, I picked curry as southeast Asian food is probably the preeminent culinary experience there is. It also seemed to me the curry is a dish that would be extremely hard to make inedible through normal means.
Since my diet is using the KISS method or keep it simple stupid many (all) the macros and micros will be a guesstimate at best but should suffice in making this project great. The whole idea of the ketogenic diet for me as just that, lack of calculations and conjecture and more eating and growing is what I want. There is possibly nothing I loathe more than having to weigh food and preform rudimentary calculus just to get to the facts that my macros are a blistering catastrophe that only a bolter from Warhammer can smooth over.
I am making this simple for the TL;DR folks at the end of what will be the greatest blog post every, maybe, there will be some ultra-simple and lame directions for you mutton headed folk. For you people of culture let’s begin to indulge, and to the rest of you scalawags, let’s get to work!
This recipe in typical Wayne fashion follows no real set of rules or anything that could be deemed “expert” in any field much less culinary, so if you find this to be repulsive, well you’re probably on the wrong website. If you’re curious as to what the nutrition per serving is
Total Fat: 71g
Total Carbohydrate: 3.4g (Net Carbs 1.1g
- 2.25ish lbs of Beef and Pork Blend (ground)
- 1.25-5ish lbs of assorted chicken (we used precut chicken breast here)
- 5 tablespoons olive oil
- Palm full of minced garlic
- 1-2 onions diced
- 4ish tablespoons yellow curry
- 3 bottles Thai green curry paste
- 4 cans coconut milk
- 1-2tbsp brown sugar replacement
- Tablespoon fish sauce
- 1 lime (optional)
- Can add no keto items as well
As you can see from the above this will make a solid amount and will cost you fairly nothing and as your little eyes will spy, I used discounted items close to expiration to save on cost. All in all, this meal comes in at about 25$ or so for the whole operation.
Get a large pot of some sort that you can probably get 2 gallons of material in to be safe. Don’t want to have a full-on nuance disaster from massive spillage then burn your house directly to the ground (that’s on you and I don’t accept liability for you being a total moron). Heat your oil in said pot on mediumish temperature, if you haven’t noticed I’m not huge into measurements as this isn’t a cake and I don’t really care. Add in your onions and garlic and proceed to sauté them bad bois for roughly 5 minutes or so. Once softened please proceed to step 2.
Make sure to cut the chicken in to cubes or strips somewhere around the neighborhood of 1 cm or so. The ground meats should already be ground, if not you have made a terrible mistake and should revert to the “materials section” and probably should get an adult to assist you, lord knows how you even make it through this crusade called life, people probably say things like bless your heart when you walk by. Once Chicken is cut put both meats into the large pot and brown and stir continuously for 10-15 or until well browned.
Now once you have confidently and effectively beaten the meat into the perfect browning stage it’s time to add the Yellow Curry powder and paste and then let cook for 3-5ish minutes. If you used the red curry paste, then you could assume it will look red if you used the yellow curry paste then you can assume it will look something like below. If what you have made looks nothing like this, you should probably hurry to the nearest adult and have them drive you to McDonalds because you need a happy meal.
I used 4 cans of coconut milk which was a little extra, but I like to let my masterpiece bath in a jacuzzi of its own viscera ever enjoying the soothing bubbles slowly reducing to a more viscus mixture. That gibberish just means the more the mixtures cooks down the thicker the product will be aka the sauce. Once the coconut milk is added bring this mixture to a simmer type boil over lowered heat. This will allow the meats to cook fully. It should look something like the image below.
Add in brown sugar if you like, I generally do as I can still stay under the 30g of carbs. I only added one tablespoon to this entire mixture. Next add in your fish sauce and lime if you desire (I did not add any lime). After this I let sit for a few minutes (15 or so) then service it in these extra fancy dishes.
BAMMMM as they say in New Orleans, there it is. Keto AF and hopefully not poisonous or deleterious to anything but a toilet the next day. Now for the less cultured swine in here, this is the TL;DR directions.
- Heat oil add Garlic and onions allows to cook for 5 minutes.
- Add meats and brown a good bit. Add curry powder and paste stir in well then allow to cook for 5 minutes.
- Add coconut milk, bring to boil reduce and let cook for 15-20 minutes or until meat is done.
- Add brown sugar, fish sauce, and lime. Taste add salt if you feel like it.
There you have it, folks- the Keto-AF-pretty-high-fat-and-protein-power-keto-magic-3000-meal or Keto Curry. If you are not keto then you can serve this bad mother over rice, bread or really whatever your little heart desires, hell, you could even put it on pizza if you wanted. I wouldn’t recommend ice cream though, if you thought about that for a second you should re-read the section about needing an adult etc etc. Until next time enjoy you scumbags.