Few people in the world combine a marked distaste for evolutionary science, crippled intellects, shoddy understanding of the human body, stupid religious beliefs of which they’re likely unaware, and the Pol Pot-esque unlikability that vegetarians and vegans do. Frankly, thinking people should be avoiding vegetarians and vegans with the same assiduousness that we did people with leprosy or cholera years ago, but for some reason we allow them to bleat their insipid beliefs in public in the name of free speech. If you’re unaware, these simpletons preach a gospel of dietary idiocy that makes screaming support for the Flat Earth theory at a dietary conference seem tame by comparison. Preachy in ways you’d think only big tent revivalist preachers could be, steadfast in their total unwillingness to consider things like science or reason, and displaying the kind of smugness you only see out of terrible comedians who think they’re far funnier than they are, like that hideous bag of anti-hilarity Whitney Cummings, vegans and vegetarians ought to be exterminated with prejudice, yet we fail to do so for unknowable reasons.
That time should now be at an end, because those limp-wristed, quinoa-nibbling asshats are the reason why coffee was considered
unhealthy for the better part of 100 years, and their virulent campaign of disinformation persists even today. So, when you’re standing in line to get your espresso behind some manbun-bearing hipster in vegan, fair trade, “thrifted” clothing, kick him in the spine and tell him to go stink of patchouli elsewhere, because it was his kind of inescapably annoying know-nothing who screwed up the coffee industry throughout the 20th century and campaigned hard to drive that delicious, caffeine-bearing elixir out of existence.
“Not so!”, you say? Yeah, exactly so. Prior to the insipid meddling of
those twig-gnawing ruminants in the early 20th Century, coffee was
seen for what it is- a healthy liquid repast designed to uplift the
consumer and improve their mood and day. The unrelentingly psychotic anti-sex progenitors of the modern vegetarian movement, otherwise known as Seventh Day Adventists (who should be drawn and quartered should you ever encounter one), decided that they should save us all from the evils of orgasms, heavy musculature, meat-consumption, chocolate, coffee, aggressiveness, winning, pride, badassery, and basically everything that has made humanity the dominant species on the planet.
In the place of all that, these sanctimonious sacks of rancid monkey crap decided to foist breakfast cereal, graham crackers, and the noxious bran muffin-flavored drink Postum on the world, all while they resorted to putting children into bondage or chastity. With girls they actually took that a step further and would rub carbolic acid on their nether regions to make them too painful to touch. That’s right, in John Harvey Kellogg (inventor of Corn Flakes, actually recommended in his hilariously psychotic book, Plain Facts for Old and Young:
“IN FEMALES, THE AUTHOR HAS FOUND THE APPLICATION OF PURE CARBOLIC ACID TO THE CLITORIS AN EXCELLENT MEANS OF ALLAYING THE ABNORMAL EXCITEMENT, AND
PREVENTING THE RECURRENCE OF THE PRACTICE IN THOSE WHOSE WILL-POWER HAS BECOME SO WEAKENED THAT THE PATIENT IS UNABLE TO EXERCISE ENTIRE SELF-CONTROL (296).
And when these crap-sipping frittatas weren’t torturing their children, they were running around slapping hamburgers out of strangers’ hands and dumping their coffee in the gutter. Kellogg was obsessed with the control of diet and we have him to blame for the invention of breakfast cereal, which basically ruined breakfast until champion propagandist Eddie Bernays replaced with bacon and eggs. Though reading this stuff now makes you think the man should have died penniless in the gutter wearing a tinfoil hat, people took what said to heart. So, when he would write this insane dogshit, it stuck with people:
3. DISCARD ALL STIMULATING FOOD. UNDER THIS HEAD MUST BE INCLUDED SPICES, PEPPER, GINGER, MUSTARD, CINNAMON, CLOVES, ESSENCES, ALL CONDIMENTS,
PICKLES, ETC., TOGETHER WITH FLESH FOOD IN ANY BUT MODERATE QUANTITIES. IT IS HARDLY TO BE EXPECTED THAT ALL WHO HAVE BEEN ACCUSTOMED TO USE
THESE ARTICLES ALL THEIR LIVES, WILL DISCARD THEM WHOLLY AT ONCE, NOR, PERHAPS, THAT MANY WILL EVER DISCARD THEM ENTIRELY; BUT IT WOULD BE BETTER FOR THEM TO DO SO, NEVERTHELESS.
4.STIMULATING DRINKS SHOULD BE ABSTAINED FROM WITH STILL GREATER STRICTNESS. WINE, BEER, TEA, AND COFFEE SHOULD BE TAKEN UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES. THE INFLUENCE OF COFFEE IN STIMULATING THE GENITAL ORGANS IS NOTORIOUS. CHOCOLATE SHOULD BE DISCARDED ALSO. IT IS RECOMMENDED BY SOME WHO SUPPOSE IT TO BE HARMLESS, BEING IGNORANT OF THE FACT THAT IT CONTAINS A POISON PRACTICALLY IDENTICAL WITH THAT OF TEA AND COFFEE.
HOT DRINKS OF ALL KINDS SHOULD BE AVOIDED (302-303).
After having a couple of nervous breakdowns, Post went to Kellogg’s Battle Creek Sanitarium, where that soft-headed ass was fully indoctrinated in Kellogg’s insane plan to neuter the entire human race. Post decided he was going to go full-tilt boogie with it and invented what seems to have been unanimously considered to be the most horrible goddamned thing anyone’s ever dumped down their neck- Postum. As such, Post started to give them reasons to drink Postum rather than coffee- namely, he manufactured the lie that coffee stunts your growth. This was clearly a bold-faced lie for anyone with a brain, as coffee’s been considered nearly magical since it was first discovered in Ethiopia. Among other ridiculous claims, Post relentlessly ran ads stating insane nonsense like:
- “By crowding milk out of the diet of children, coffee is a cause of undernourishment. It robs children of their rosy cheek sand sparkling eyes. It lowers their vitality, lessens their resistance to disease, and hampers proper development and growth.”
- Outright lied and stated they had a research study showing coffee brought down kids’ grades.
- “Children ‘brought up’ on Postum are free from the evil effects of caffeine—the habit-forming drug—in coffee and tea” (Weissman).
They seriously pushed so hard on America that Post invented a superhero who flew around protecting unsuspecting kids from coffee while they were probably so terrified of touching the groins that taking a leak sent them into hysterics.
Given that the man behind Postum also tried to convince people that Grape Nuts were both edible and cured appendicitis and that meat was made of evil, you couldn’t really put anything past him. The man would have stolen your wallet and raped babies if it would have advanced his cause. A massive dickhead by all accounts, but the “lessons” he imparted to an entire generation regarding detriments to one’s health coffee could cause have taken damn near 100 years to debunk, and you’ll still hear idiots say it’s unhealthy. So, here’s a handy list of health benefits you can scream at vegetarian while you’re handing them a Chris Brown style beating:
- lower incidence of various diseases including liver and colorectal cancer
- improved energy levels
- Improved memory, mood, and cognition
- fat loss
- lower risk of stroke
- improved physical performance
- lower risk of type 2 diabetes
- reduced chance of getting Alzheimer’s disease
- lowered risks of getting Parkinson’s
- protects against cirrhosis
- fights depression
… and while we’re at it, it does not raise the risk of heart problems (Gunnars).
So, the next time one of these no-good chai soy latte-sipping asshats tells you anything at all, just punch them dead in the goddamned mouth, because they’ll be pissing on your leg and telling you it was raining minutes later. Coffee is the elixir of the gods, and there’s not a thing a human who doesn’t eat steak has to say that’s worth hearing even coffee wasn’t better for you than oral sex.
Gunnars, Kris. 13 health benefits of coffee, based on science.
Healthline. 15 June 2017. Web. 15 Dec 2017.
John Harvey Kellogg. Wikipedia. Web. 15 Dec 2017.
Kellogg, John Harvey.
Plain Facts for Old and Young. Web. 15 Dec 2017. http://web.archive.org/web/20130702215936/http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/etcbin/toccer-new2?id=KelPlai.sgm&images=images/modeng&data=/texts/english/modeng/parsed&tag=public&part=11&division=div1
CW Post. Wikipedia. Web. 15 Dec 2017.
Weissman, Jordan. The devious ad campaign that convinced America that coffee is bad for kids. The Atlantic. Dec 2013. Web. 15 Dec 2017.