Literally Everything You’ve Ever Read About “Alphas” is Bullshit
[It seems I’m not the only person who wants to chokeslam the giants behind the keyboard running around yammering on about alphas and betas and cuckolds. Before we dive into the depths of their idiocy, I’ll just suggest to anyone who uses those words on a regular basis that 1) you’re a goddamn moron, 2) I have no idea why an intellectual midget like yourself would even bother trying to absorb the torrent of knowledge pouring forth from this site on a daily basis, and 3) before you kill yourself out of shame, maybe give this article a look-see so you can correctly formulate your suicide letter before you hang yourself in your parents’ attic or basement or whatever, in a beta-bating autoasphyxiation suicide worthy of the late, great David Carridine, only without any of his greatness.]The Internet has ruined a great many things, not the least of which being the English language. Words that used to have massive import, like “beast,” “brutal,” “savage,” “Spartan,” etc, are now watered do to the point that they’er essentially ironic. Whenever someone self-identifies as one of these terms, they’re simply mocking themselves and further diminishing the meaning of the words they’ve used improperly. Abuse of members of our collective lexicon should be a capital offense, but since it’s not legal to enforce intellectualism with my fists, I’ll just have to educate the world instead.
Alphas in the Animal KingdomLet’s begin by attempting to define a simple word that is more often misused than “ironic,” which though an irony in and of itself doesn’t hold a candle to the fact that “alpha” should be in a shelter for battered words due to the beating the sundry weaksauce asshats of the world hang upon it. The most common conception of an “alpha” in nature is that which exists within a wolf pack, where you have the dominant male and female who rule over their fellow packmates. For the dipshits and halfwits that comprise Reddit and 4Chan, I will reiterate that- “alphaness” is not a masculine trait. It is a trait shared by both sexes, and the female wolf is often the alpha of a pack because she can tear up her male counterpart. The primary study that lead to this idea was back in 1930 and 1940, by Rudolph Schenkel, an animal behaviorist who, in 1947, published the then-groundbreaking paper “Expressions Studies on Wolves.” Schenkel says:
“A bitch and a dog as top animals carry through their rank order and as single individuals of the society, they form a pair. Between them there is no question of status and argument concerning rank, even though small fictions of another type (jealousy) are not uncommon. By incessant control and repression of all types of competition (within the same sex), both of these “α animals” defend their social position.”Throughout the paper Schenkel draws comparisons to domestic canines. “The implication is clear: wolves live in packs in which individual members vie for dominance and dogs, their domestic brethren, must be very similar indeed.” Seems logical on its face, but the study had some pretty major flaws. First is the sample selection:
The observations which form the basis of this work began in 1934. At first they concerned almost exclusively, and later always by preference, the wolf packs which were lodged in the Basle Zoological Garden until 1942.
The systematic study of the behavior – in particular social behavior – of these wolves extend over several years. In order to distinguish between established behavior and accidental behavior, and those behaviors caused by the special captivity conditions, it was necessary to enlarge the observations. In 1939, therefore, attention was paid to wolves and a pair of dingos in the Zurich Zoological Garden, in Basle to the jackal, fox, and raccoon dog groups, further at the Eiger glacial station to a litter of polar dogs and finally to domestic dogs in the greatest variety of living conditions. Other mammals kept in special groups provided opportunity for valuable comparison, especially large beasts of prey and monkeys (Rimm-Kaufman).
In short- whatever you think you know about animal hierarchies, you don’t. And if you use the terms “alpha,” “beta,” and “omega” in terms of human social order, you literally know nothing and your parents should have aborted you. I’m going to assume you’ll persist in living, so for the love of all that’s unholy, take note of what follows.
Thorough studies of the sociology of the wolf outside captivity do not exist, however, the animal novels of of THOMPSON-SETON, JACK LONDON, ASLAGSSON, et al provide an approximate picture. In the detailed works of YOUNG and GOLDMAN (1944) an exact treatment of the sociology of the wolf cannot be found. In view of the partly controversial accounts of various zoo keepers, this gap is especially evident (Schenkel).A more recent study went even further, stating that the social dominance hierarchy all you nutsacks jerk off about when you’re “beta-bating” or whatever the hell you call it no more applies to wild dogs and wolves than human prisoner population hierarchies do for civilian social structure.
“The strong dominance hierarchy that has been described for wolves may be a by-product of captivity. If true, it implies that social behavior–even in wolves–may be a product more of environmental circumstances and contingencies than an instinctive directive. Second, because feral dogs do not exhibit the classic wolf-pack structure, the validity of the canid, social dominance hierarchy again comes into question” (van Kerkhove).
“calling a wolf an alpha is usually no more appropriate than referring to a human parent or a doe deer as an alpha. Any parent is dominant to its young offspring, so “alpha” adds no information. Why not refer to an alpha female as the female parent, the breeding female, the matriarch, or simply the mother? Such a designation emphasizes not the animal’s dominant status, which is trivial information, but its role as pack progenitor, which is critical information” (Snopes).
The Pecking OrderEver a favorite topic among the unbanged and unbangable, the unlifted and unliftable, and the uneducated and uneducatable, is that of the pecking order. Based on the social hierarchy of animals that have nothing whatsoever to do with humans, domesticated chickens raised for goddamn food, these Cheetos-dust ensconced tubby sacks of unwashed failure hold this system aloft as the reason why they will never see a vagina up close- the fact that women preferentially (or exclusively) bang alphas over betas and omegas. This just in- WE ARE NOT TINY DINOSAURS WHO WERE DOMESTICATED IN SOUTHEAST ASIA OVER 5000 YEARS AGO. WE DON’T LAY EGGS, HAVE BEAKS OR GIZZARDS, OR HAVE A GODDAMN MATING SEASON. Holy hell, people are catastrophically stupid. How anyone could draw a parallel between the behavior of those creatures and humans, I could not possibly begin to guess, and why any other thinking person would agree to that parallel is a true testament to the devolution of our species. Human social order is far too complex for it to remain static, and what is a dominant trait in one social order will almost certainly not be in another. Ergo, if I walk into a trailer park, I will find preferential treatment far less common than a man with no teeth, no muscle, no intelligence, and a pocketful of Oxycontin. Conversely, that man would be shunned in Harvard’s gym, as would a good looking yet functionally retarded athlete from a Division II school in the same gym.
Alphas Among the Humans: Shit Just Got Real KinkyHaving discussed alphas in the animal kingdom, it would behoove us to find out what, if anything, alpha means among humans. The term is used in “denoting a person who has a dominant role or position within a particular sphere,” i.e. “take turns cooking for each other if one of you is too much of an alpha chef,” but it seems to actually arise out of power dynamics in BDSM relationships, which makes it pretty hilarious for the “traditionalist” pussies to use, as they find any paraphilias to be “unnatural perversions” that upset the corpse god they profess to hate. Feel free to look it up- I have, at great length. The application of animal kingdom pecking order, beyond caste systems, economic class, and racial divisions, is an extremely new concept. Prior to 1950 there were very few mentions of the term “alpha” in scholarly literature, and from 1950 to 2000 most of the mentions of the concept related entirely to lesser primates. At the same time, power play in BDSM flourished, and the concept of submissives and dominants expanded in the internet age to “alphas,” “betas,” and “omegas,” and the term “alpha male” entered the public zeitgeist in the late 1990s. Since then, as psychologists have been struggling with the “dogfuck rape world” culture in BDSM, mainstream media picked up on the use of those terms on the internet as they expanded from fanfic about weird power dynamics that usually involved dog or werewolf sex (or random one an ex sent me years ago– I had no idea it was this dynamic or what a/b/o was, but it’s set in the world of Halo) into the wonderful world of Reddit and 4chan, where the virulent little racist limp dicks turned forced bestiality into having the hot girl who rejects you bang black dudes while they watch. That’s god-tier racism, right there, but since that’s where the terms originate, let’s use their definitions. FUN SIDEBAR: Research for this article has taught me a valuable lesson I will now impart to you- if you happen across a person who uses “cuck” in a pejorative sense, that person: 1) is a grade A, dyed in the wool, baby back bitch, 2) has horrific ED, and 3) if they can get hard, it is only watching a black man bang a white woman. That is not conjecture- that is a goddamn fact. Got a friend who says it? Next time you’re on a Tinder date and need a blue boy, hit that dude up.
“The dominant male who is demanding, violent, and self-centered is not considered attractive to most women, whereas the dominant male who is assertive and confident is considered attractive. As the researchers suggest, ‘Men who dominate others because of leadership qualities and other superior abilities and who therefore are able and willing to provide for their families quite possibly will be preferred to potential partners who lack these attributes.’ Their results also suggest that sensitivity and assertiveness are not opposites. In fact, further research suggests that the combination of kindness and assertiveness might just be the most attractive pairing. Across three studies, Lauri Jensen-Campbell and colleagues found that it wasn’t dominance alone, but rather the interaction of dominance and pro-social behaviors, that women reported were particularly sexually attractive. In other words, dominance only increased sexual attraction when the person was already high in agreeableness and altruism” (Singal).Hopefully, that lays to rest the entire concept of alpha in the minds of the lot of you. If you post on 4Chan on Reddit, that likely just sent you into limp-dicked rage, but given the fact that I truly look forward to a physical confrontation with a large group of either at some point, know that I look forward to hospitalizing a bunch of you over this article… and however much you might screech to the contrary, I am very much correct.
And thanks to Tara Chaos for getting this thing started- we sat on it unfinished for over a year and she did a ton of the legwork on it.Sources: Dubreuil B. Chapter 29 – Human Diversity at the Individual and Population Levels, and Societal Hierarchies. On Human Nature: Biology, Psychology, Ethics, Politics, and Religion. 2017: 475-493. A history and overview of the A/B/O trope. EROS Magazine. 4 Sep 2014. Web. 30 Jul 2019. http://erosmag.blogspot.com/2014/09/whos-leader-of-pack-history-and.html Hosie, Rachel. The myth of the alpha male. The Independent. 9 May 2017. Web. 1 Aug 2019. https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/the-myth-of-the-alpha-male-a7724971.html Reimers L, Diekhof EK. Testosterone is associated with cooperation during intergroup competition by enhancing parochial altruism. Front Neurosci. 2015 Jun 12;9:183. Rimm-Kaufman SE, Curby TW, Grimm KJ, Nathanson L, Brock LL. The contribution of children’s self-regulation and classroom quality to children’s adaptive behaviors in the kindergarten classroom. Dev Psychol. 2009 Jul;45(4):958-72. Schenkel, Rudolf. Expression studies on wolves: captivity observations. 1947. Singal, Jesse. How America became infatuated with a cartoonish idea of “Alpha Males.” New York Magazine. 18 May 2016. Web. 1 Aug 2019. http://nymag.com/article/2016/05/the-rise-of-the-alpha-beta-male.html van Kerkhove W. A fresh look at the wolf-pack theory of companion-animal dog social behavior. J Appl Anim Welf Sci. 2004;7(4):279-85; discussion 299-300. Wolf pack behavior. Snopes. Web. 9 Wed 2018. https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/wolf-pack-photo/