No Fap? More Like No Effing Way
It’s no secret that I’ve long espoused the myriad benefits of jerking off as a method for unchaining your inner beast so you can go out and dominate heavy things in particular and life in general. Perhaps that’s due to the fact that I’m trying to justify my formative years, much of which were spent like a juvenile spider monkey, abusing myself like I was a one man bdsm show and my cock was my gimp. Perhaps, however, it’s because I know what I’m talking about, and given the fact that I’ve actually done my research, it’s highly likely that both reasons are equally valid. To clarify a bit more, however, my interest in the promotion of masturbation as a useful endocrinological activity stems in large part from the fact that I learned, at a rather heavy cost, exactly what the abstention from masturbation accomplishes, and it likely does not take much inductive reasoning to come to the conclusion that it worked out about as well for me as Aaron Hernandez’s imitation of Harvey Keitel in Pulp Fiction worked for him.
Apparently, Aaron Hernandez didn’t care that he didn’t see the sign about who he could store in his house, either.
One summer in college I somehow found myself in a conversation with a geriatric at my gym who still boasted veins on his biceps that rivaled my own, currently. At the time I was still in heavy pursuit of what my friends and I had dubbed “the Arnold veins”, and so I naturally assumed any man with the requisite muscularity and leanness to boast them under skin ensconced in liver spots likely knew what the hell he was talking about. As such, when he told me that his strength and virility came from abstention from both sex and masturbation, as spilling his seed was a waste of his vitality, I soaked the information up like a Bounty paper towel and resolved to quit cold turkey. This was not easy- I’ve masturbated two or more times a day since I was in second grade, and falling asleep without jerking off was then and is now about as likely as Verne Troyer’s corpse successfully dunking on a basketball hoop without the use of a jetpack and a zombie virus. Nevertheless, I gave it hell, and for about a year I jerked off to completion somewhere between twice and four times a month. Proud of my “self control”, I waited patiently for Brodin to bless me with the gains for which I prayed nightly. They did not arrive, but what did was a horrifying case of erectile dysfunction when I attempted to have sex that was as breathtaking as it was infuriating. It wasn’t that I couldn’t get it up- my erections became penile strobe lights, flashing on and off without rhyme or reason and not allowing either party to cum. In a panic, I scheduled a doctor’s appointment with a urologist, who proceeded to laugh out loud when I explained what I’d done (or not done, as the case may be) for the last year. That’s right- a panicky 23 year old was nearly laughed out of a medical doctor’s office, so stupid was his mindset over the last year. After assuring me my penis would stop randomly playing dead during sex if I followed his advice, he sent me on my way with “Buy some Penthouses (not Playboys) and masturbate as often as possible, and no fewer than three times a day” scribbled in chicken scratch on a prescription sheet.
You can see, then, why I wish to expose the people who would have you believe that abstention from masturbation and frequent sex as the lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sacks of monkey crap that they are. Not only is their reasoning flawed- they misunderstand science worse than Young Earthers, lack competitive spirit, and are (to borrow a phrase I generally find ridiculous but is perfect for this) beta as hell.
It should come as no surprise to you that the progenitor of the anti-masturbation/NoFap movement on Reddit is a closeted Christian homosexual who stopped jacking it so Jesus wouldn’t toss his ass into the universe’s largest barbecue. That falls right in line with the historical anti-masturbation movements, all of which were motivated by Christians who were terrified that their terrible Jewish overlord in the sky would suddenly decide one of the half-million contradicting minor rules and forgettable platitudes he bleated over the last two thousand years would suddenly be the most important of them all. Nevermind the Ten Commandments, these assholes were scouring every inch of their holy book of Hebrew fables to vilify every goddamned activity they possibly could. As such, masturbators in New Haven, Connecticut were eligible for the death penalty if caught, and masturbation was thought to lead to illness and death in puritanical circles for a couple of hundred years. Like the anti-masturbatory psychotics of the modern era, those of bygone days had all sorts of beliefs about the evils of masturbation with no relation to reality whatsoever. For instance, they though masturbation caused:
- weakening of the organs of breathing
- weakening of the organ of generation to the point of impotence
- lack of libido
- back pain
- disorders of the eye and ear
- total diminution of bodily powers
- pimples on the face
- decline of intellectual powers
- loss of memory
- attacks of rage
- disturbances of the stomach and digestion
- loss of appetite or ravenous hunger [ed- this is one of my personal faves, as it pretty much covers the whole range of appetites]
- a perceptible reduction of strength, of memory and even of reason
- blurred vision
- all the nervous disorders
- all types of gout and rheumatism
- weakening of the organs of generation
- blood in the urine
- disturbance of the appetite
- such as affection of the liver and lungs
- affection of the spine
- diseased kidneys
- cancerous tumors
The meta-psychotic inventor of Corn Flakes, John Harvey Kellogg, routinely burned off broads’ clitorises and sewed guys’ foreskins shut to prevent masturbation, which is an insight into exactly how wrong-headed and psychotic anti-masturbation campaigners are. You might also find it interesting that no two anti-masturbation campaigners identified the same deleterious effects from masturbation. This is, of course, because like the modern proponents of masturbation abstention, their reasoning is basically a giant bowl of lies drowned in pants-crapping insanity gravy and topped with little sprinkles of misplaced religious zealotry. There are likely castratos with more fact-based opinions on masturbatory health effects than these idiots, and the Voynich Manuscript provides a far better example of well-reasoned argumentation despite the fact it’s written in a gibberish language. I would sooner entrust Edward Scissorhands with the care of an infant than I would a no-fap psychotic with computer access. In short, taking the words of a no-fapper as truth is tantamount to hanging on every word of a lecture on feminism delivered by a Muslim man who punctuates the end of every sentence by punching a pregnant infidel in the stomach and beats his wife every ten minutes to improve the circulation in his hands.
What? His hands were cold.
In the past, I’ve stated strongly that test levels are raised when one ejaculates frequently. As there are studies that back this and others that refute it, I’ve found myself defending myself against eunuchs who are barely literate enough to frame their rebuttals in human English. Hopefully, however, I’ve found the Fat Man to their Nagasaki- at no point in any of the studies testing testosterone levels in relation to orgasm do the scientists involved take note of free testosterone or sex hormone binding globulin (SHBG). The contentions of the no-fappers are that refraining from masturbation will raise your total testosterone levels to unprecedented levels and thereby result in extreme hypertrophy and Ron Jeremy-like sexual prowess. Though a quick glance at the profile of any poster in a no fap forum will immediately disabuse you of the veracity of their claims, science comes to the rescue to encourage everyone to grab their cocks and jerk like they’re trying to rip-start a particularly recalcitrant lawnmower. The No Fap movement is entirely based (at least scientifically based) on a Chinese study that showed a 46% one-day increase in total testosterone after seven days of abstention.
Nope, baby- we’ve gotta wait another six days before we bang, because I don’t understand basic endocrinology and Jesus and stuff.
The problem here, is that it’s free testosterone, not total testosterone, that is the hormone that really matters. Additionally, total testosterone has been shown not to be a reliable indicator for free testosterone in most men (Anawalt). For those of you who are as unaware of the importance of free testosterone and SHGB in your bodies, bear this in mind- only about 2% of your total testosterone is free testosterone. That means that only 2% of the testosterone in your body is biologically active, and only 2% of your body’s testosterone is available to help in the muscle-building process. Additionally, it’s free testosterone and SHBG levels that are significantly correlated with orgasmic function and/or erectile function (Ahn). High levels of free test correlate with positive erectile function, whereas high levels of SHBG correlate strongly with erectile dysfunction- total testosterone doesn’t factor into the equation. Thus, if you have higher total levels of testosterone but increased SHGB, you should theoretically have the sexual function and hypertrophy results of… any poster on a no fap forum, which is to say, none of either. Science again has my back here, as a study of epileptics placed on anti-convulsant medication found that although total testosterone and luteinizing hormone were increased, the concurrent rise in SHGB and fall of free test led to diminished sex drive and erectile dysfunction (Toone).
I am, of course, simply speculating on the free testosterone/total testosterone/SHGB idea, but I wanted to point out that studies showing increased total testosterone are completely useless for showing the efficacy of infrequent masturbation. What is plainly evident to scientists, however, is that a lack of intercourse makes your cock throw in the towel like it was a fat white tomato can in the ring with Mike Tyson fresh out of prison. In other words, “the risk of erectile dysfunction was inversely related to the frequency of intercourse” (Koskimäki). Another study showed that masturbation was an excellent method for resolving erectile dysfunction (Sue). As erectile dysfunction is inversely correlated with free testosterone levels, it stands to reason that frequent sexual activity may well raise free testosterone levels. Even if the eunuchs are correct, however, and they do enjoy a one day spike in their free testosterone after seven days of abstinence, they’re potentially sacrificing a day of increased hypertrophy a week for a lifetime of abuse at the hands of a woman who happens to like guys with working penises (that would be about 93% of them, i.e. all non-lesbians). If that’s your thing, fine- strap on a chastity belt and rock out with your cock locked- I will caution you, however, that neither anecdotal nor scientific evidence supports the idea that eunuchs are jacked.
The very fact that I felt it necessary to spend time researching this topic turns my stomach- the no fap premise is so counter-intuitive and asinine that its existence defies logical explanation. The fact that they feel comfortable discussing their newfound sexual prowess after a period of abstention is even more ridiculous- it’s like that obnoxious fat bitch at the gym who feels confident giving advice about dieting to everyone around her because she was allegedly able to see her abs once. While dating a person of whom no one had ever heard, who lived out of state. And another dimension. You know- that dimension in which people with 30% body fat can see their abs and idiots who screw once fortnightly break off nuts like porn stars and make chicks cum so hard it looks like they’ve got Parkinsons, Bell’s Palsy, and epilepsy. In summary, proponents of the nofap movement are lying sacks of weak sauce, scrawny, socially retarded, Christian fundamentalist dogcrap with no understanding of science and even less understanding of human sexuality.
As Genghis Khan said “he who nuts the most and has the biggest pile of enemy skulls wins.”
Ahn HS, Park CM, Lee SW. The clinical relevance of sex hormone levels and sexual activity in the ageing male. BJU Int. 2002 Apr;89(6):526-30.
Anawalt BD, Hotaling JM, Walsh TJ, Matsumoto AM. Performance of total testosterone measurement to predict free testosterone for the biochemical evaluation of male hypogonadism. J Urol. 2012 Apr;187(4):1369-73.
John Harvey Kellogg. Wikipedia. Web. 11 Jul 2013. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Harvey_Kellogg#Drastic_measures
Koskimäki J, Shiri R, Tammela T, Häkkinen J, Hakama M, Auvinen A. Regular intercourse protects against erectile dysfunction: Tampere Aging Male Urologic Study. Am J Med. 2008 Jul;121(7):592-6.
Sue D. Masturbation in the in vivo treatment of impotence. J Behav Ther Exp Psychrot. 1978 Mar;9(1):15-16.
Toone BK, Wheeler M, Nanjee M, Fenwick P, Grant R. Sex hormones, sexual activity and plasma anticonvulsant levels in male epileptics. J Neurol Neurosurg Psychiatry 1983;46:824-826