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Why Go Cannibal?

The Story Behind Chaos and Pain’s

“Cannibal” Supplement Line

Long ago, at the University of Arizona, Chaos and Pain’s founder Jamie Lewis was in the nascence of his writing career, but already deep into his lifelong campaign of anti-authoritarianism and shit-stirring.  It was here that he was enjoined to pen a paper either defending or critiquing the plan detailed in Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal”, a satire in which Swift suggested that the English begin eating Irish babies to rid them simultaneously of the scourge of Catholicism and the Irish.  At the time, there was strong anti-Catholic sentiment in the strongly Anglican nation, concomitant with a virulent hatred of the Irish, who were considered basically subhuman by the Brits.  True to form, Jamie chose to defend the proposal as an intellectual exercise, and because he knew this would anger his class full of born-again Christians and foaming-at-the-mouth liberals beyond words.  As such, he set to discovering who had been cannibals in the past, and how they fared.

What he discovered shocked him- provided they avoided eating uncooked brains (which all but the people of Papua New Guinea did), cannibal tribes around the world were renown for their strength, size, speed, and ferocity.  Far from being the sickly, backward malcontents of unenlightened lands, many of these peoples were so feared and respected by others that they resisted colonization and the “civilizing” hand of Christian missionaries almost into the modern era.  This, of course, made a defense of “A Modest Proposal” a simple affair, and Jamie enjoyed watching security escort several enthusiastic missionaries from the classroom as he read his paper, the sole defense of cannibalism, aloud.

Cannibalism, he posited, was not merely the purview of the insane or the starved, the afflicted or the deranged.  Instead, cannibalism among primates is a rather common occurrence, as chimpanzees show rather frequently.  Likewise, cannibalism was common amongst Neanderthals and australopithecines, and this practice has a profoundly positive effect.  The massive influx of protein from prey that was easier to catch and consume contributed to rapid evolution of hominid brains, and reinforced a desire for meat and a concomitant aggressiveness in succeeding generations.  Springing forward into modern humanity, the word “cannibal” was coined by the Greek historian Herodotus.  Prior to the invention of the word, cannibalism was apparently so common that a word to describe the practice of eating human flesh, as opposed to that of other species, simply did not exist.  Much later, sociologists would further define the word by dividing cannibalistic practices into two types- funerary endo-cannibalism, and aggressive gustatory cannibalism.

From what essentially amounted to an act of academic trolling sprang an idea- would human flesh then be the most healthy protein source humans could eat?  It only seemed reasonable that it would be, as it should naturally contain exactly the amino acids and nutrients that the human body would favor, and was famous among cannibals for being the most delicious meat on Earth.  Though the evidence gradually found its way into Jamie’s hands, his concept for a “Cannibal Fuel” product seemed a pipe dream, as Jamie had neither the capital nor the necessary manufacturing experience to make it happen.  It wasn’t until he met the other half of Chaos and Pain LLC’s braintrust, Wayne Banks, that the idea began to solidify as the duo discussed its merits between sets of deadlifts and bench presses.  It was in the gym, then, that Cannibal Fuel and Chaos and Pain LLC sprang into being.

As it happens, protein powders are incredibly expensive to produce and unless the company has the capital to produce massive quantities, not a tremendously lucrative business.  Luckily, however, cannibals around the world found themselves competing with pre-modern humans for resources, land, and calories.  Were they to exist in large numbers today, finding food would be a simple affair- they’d simply find the nearest herd of ridiculously obese people and slaughter them en masse.  There existed few people, however, that resembles beluga whales more than humans, which forced the cannibal tribes to supplement their meat-heavy diets with various herbs to make them faster, stronger, and smarter, so as to facilitate the conquest of neighboring peoples and ensure a steady supply of human flesh.  The use of stimulants by hunters is ubiquitous to improve reaction time, strength, and performance, and foremost among the herbs used in that regard was ephedra.  Common throughout Eurasia, ephedra has been found in every Neanderthal burial, and has been commonly used by tribesmen from Europe to China since as a “performance enhancing drug”.  Likewise, tribesmen in Africa have used the coffee bean and the herb khat as a stimulant for generations.  The Maoris used micropiper exelsum as a stimulant on hunts and an aphrodisiac thereafter, and the natives of the Americas used herb ranging from the coca plant to chocolate and western ephedra strains for energy.  Botanicals were also used to aid in everything from sex to sleep, and written records of ancient athletic competitions are replete with mention of athletes using the same herbs hunters and warriors used to help them on the athletic field.

This, then, is why Chaos and Pain’s supplements carry the “cannibal” title- in a long line of badasses, we wish to produce the baddest of the bad, and harkens back to the days when the Androphagi dominated the Russian steppes, striking fear into the hearts of their neighbors- people known to be hyper-warlike, overly muscled, insatiably libidinous and wildly bloodthirsty.  These Mad Max psychos bowed before the Androphagi, men “more savage than those of any other race. They neither observe justice, nor are governed, by any laws. The “man-eaters”, as the Greeks named them, “were in the habit of drinking out of human skulls, and placing the scalps, with the hair attached, upon their breasts, like so many napkins.”  No man or woman was tougher, larger, or more fearsome that the Greeks encountered, and are thus the ideal classical group of maniacs of whom we could think to emulate in the present.

Go forth and conquer, fellow cannibals- we’ll supply the num nums.


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